Love as a Valued Action: The Core Choice to undgå skilsmisse
A successful, long-lasting relationship is often mistakenly viewed as a product of continuous passion or luck. However, the key to building an enduring partnership and effectively learning how to undgå skilsmisse requires viewing love as a value-based act of will, not merely a fluctuating emotion or psychological state. Love is fundamentally a choice. You must choose to behave in a loving way, even when you don’t feel like it in the moment.
For love to flourish, both partners must be willing to make a conscious effort to give their beloved what he or she wants, even if it is something they themselves may not have a personal desire to do. This choice and intentional action can ultimately lead to positive feelings for both partners. If one’s criterion for success is solely the experience and sustenance of a particular feeling, success is unlikely, as feelings are ephemeral and subject to change. Instead, commit to engaging in valued actions that align with your desire for intimacy.
Eliminating the Four Worst Behaviors: The Predictors of Breakdown
Decades of scientific research have identified specific types of destructive behavior that severely impact a relationship’s durability. To undgå skilsmisse, partners must commit to removing these negative patterns from their interactions. These four harmful actions are sometimes called the four horsemen and include:
The Toxic Quartet of Conflict
- Criticism: This involves attacking the partner’s personality instead of focusing on their specific behavior. People who criticize often tell themselves they are “just being honest” or “expressing feelings”.
- Contempt: Considered the most dangerous sign of trouble, contempt includes sarcasm, cynicism, scorn, and ridicule. Contempt is highly toxic and can indicate that one partner has already emotionally cut themselves off from the other. If heard, it blocks all communication. Fondness and admiration serve as the antidote to contempt.
- Defensiveness/Poor Excuses: These behaviors focus on getting approval or proving oneself right, rather than contributing to a rational, shared solution.
- Obstruction (Stonewalling): This occurs when a partner withdraws, shuts down, or refuses to communicate. Stonewalling is particularly difficult to counter, but retreating and remaining positive until the partner re-engages is advisable.
Couples who frequently engage in these behaviors have a significantly increased risk of divorce.
Cultivating Connection and Strengthening the Friendship
The basis for preventing relationship deterioration and achieving true intimacy is strengthening the friendship and trust between partners. This involves consistently turning toward each other instead of away.
The Power of Positive Responses
Marriage thrives on positive interactions and kindness. Studies show that successful couples exhibit a greater level of affection and kindness than less happy couples. One fundamental way to nurture friendship is through genuine appreciation and gratitude. You should express appreciation for your partner’s qualities and actions. Some unhappy couples miss up to 50% of the positive actions their partner performs because they are so focused on mistakes. By making a conscious effort to notice and express thanks for the small, everyday moments—such as making coffee or giving an unsolicited rub—you reinforce positive behavior and keep your relationship reset to a realistic, positive perspective.
Navigating Conflict Constructively
Conflicts are an inevitable part of every relationship and can even be an opportunity for growth and understanding, but they must be handled constructively.
A vital step is to learn to start conflicts gently. Research suggests that couples who begin potential conflict with a secure, non-blaming communication style are more likely to solve the issue. Use “I” statements to frame your emotions and needs clearly, rather than attacking your partner with blaming “you” statements, which fosters defensiveness.
The Role of Compromise and Self-Responsibility
A healthy relationship requires a willingness to compromise. Negotiation is a crucial communication skill that needs to be learned. While 69% of couples’ problems may be perpetual and therefore unresolvable, remaining open and willing to discuss them with humor, tolerance, and affection allows the relationship to move forward.
Furthermore, true success in a partnership demands self-responsibility. You are accountable for your own happiness and must first provide yourself with self-trust, self-compassion, and self-respect before expecting it from your partner. Self-compassion is associated with a greater likelihood of compromise during conflicts and promotes higher levels of emotional well-being. By intentionally changing your attitude and actions—often doing the opposite of what feels natural—you actively contribute to solving the problems.
By committing to love as an action and focusing on intentional, positive behaviors, you can significantly reduce the risk of divorce and build a robust, mutually supportive partnership, making undgå skilsmisse an attainable reality.
